


When Life Gives You Lesbians

by Miss_Meow



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, BarbxBilly brotp, Closeted Characters, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Misogyny, It's the 80's, Multi, Rating May Change, References to Depression, complicated family dynamics, will add as the story progresses - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2019-09-18 06:38:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16989918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Meow/pseuds/Miss_Meow
Summary: Two lonely people can come together against all odds.The story of how Barb and Billy saved each other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a response to a tumblr post by trashmouse/hobbitspacecase. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I'll enjoy writing it! I can't promise a consistent update schedule, but I will do my utmost to not disappear.  
> Find me on tumblr @meowtumbles (for as long as I may remain there).

The utter silence hovering over the backroads of Hawkins was stifling. Even the crickets had grown quiet in her presence. For a moment Barb felt like she couldn’t breathe – her hand hurt, clenched tight on the steering wheel – and then a sob clawed its way out of her throat, shamelessly loud. Just the one. She wasn’t the type to make a scene, even if there was no one there to see it. Her grip slackened and she slumped forward until her forehead rested against the steering wheel. One half of it was slick with blood.

_Go home. Go home._

Barb wanted to scream. The love of her life was having sex with every high school girl’s wet dream and she had told Barb to just _go home_. Barb had wanted to wait, wanted to hover in the foyer or lurk next to the abandoned pool like a scolded dog, but in the end she couldn’t stand the shame of it.

She wondered if the great Steve Harrington would even talk to Nancy tomorrow. She wondered if Nancy would talk to her, since she was one of the cool kids now. It had been sort of funny yesterday when it hadn’t seemed quite _possible_.

_You better still hang out with me, that’s all I’m saying._

God, but she felt stupid. Of course it was possible, _probable even_ , that Nancy Wheeler would surpass dorky misfit Barbara Holland and take her place among the supreme echelon of Hawkins High. Smart, charming, _beautiful_ Nancy. King Steve’s perfect queen.

When had things gone so wrong? When had Barb herself gone wrong? When had affection become longing, and friendship a wretched jealous beast?

Two summers ago they had been a couple of silly kids playing at the lake and the world had been normal. And then the sun had shone down just right on Nancy’s bare shoulder, made a halo of her curls, had sparkled in her stunning eyes, and normalcy ceased. Nancy was no longer cute, but _lovely_ , and Barb would never be the same.

Months of admiration had turned to sneaking glances, desperate snatches of Nancy that belonged to Barb and no one else. Barb had looked at her in her bathing suit and her Sunday dress and stretched out on the grass in a lacy blouse. She looked at her in the dappled sunlight of the woods and in the soft shadows of her bedroom, snuggled close under the covers. She had looked at her changing clothes.

And it was right about then that Barb had realized there was something terribly wrong with her. It was one thing to share a bath with your best friend when you were six. It was quite another to admire your best friend’s sharp angles and subtle curves at nearly fifteen.

She had tried looking at boys instead. Had taken her cues from Nancy on who was cute or hot or dreamy. Had cooed over how handsome Matt Dillon totally was. She tried, but she just didn’t get it.

So she hadn’t taken care of her problem. She’d harbored it. It had been almost enough just to be close to her, to bask in her light, to look but not touch, to love from afar. Even if Nancy could never love Barb in quite the same way, it was just barely enough. And then boys had started noticing Nancy the way Barb did. And they didn’t have to be quiet or sneaky about it. Nancy liked the attention, but had never been serious about any of the boys giving it. Until Steve. Nancy really liked getting attention from Steve.

 That must have been where the jealousy was born. Barb was losing Nancy’s attention to a boy for the first time. She could feel future moments with Nancy slipping away, replaced with dates and rendezvous for her, and lonely nights at home for Barb. She imagined getting older and losing more and more of her best friend to boyfriends, to a husband, to children. The jealous beast had reared its head. The feeling had grown and festered inside her until tonight, sitting alone in her car on the edge of a dark road, pitying what a tragic mess she was.

She took a breath, and then another. It felt like she had been there for hours, lost in her thoughts. Maybe Nancy would regret it tomorrow. Maybe she would decide that it wasn’t the sort of thing she wanted after all. Maybe she would look at Barb and…

Barb knew she wouldn’t.

The pain in her hand had lessened to a dull throb. Barb almost wanted to poke at it, prod it hard enough to bring the pain flaring back. Enough to distract her from her terrible thoughts. Instead, she started her car and set off down the dark road.  For a moment she thought she caught a glimpse of something in her rearview mirror, but there was nothing there when she checked again. No dog, no car, no Nancy changing her mind and running after her. Barb sped up just to be petty.

 

The farm roads on the edge of town were long and winding, twisting through woods and fields, and nearly pitch black at night. Barb’s car was alone on the road. The thought that she could disappear out here and never be found crossed her mind. She could live in a little cabin in the woods. She could even live there with a girl, and no one would ever know. It was a nice concept, soft and rosy like a dream.

 _Maybe that’s what happened to that little boy,_ she thought. _Maybe he just got sick of the world and decided to live in the woods._

Eventually a lone street lamp signaled Barb’s return to civilization. From there it was a short drive to her house, a modest one-story with a brick façade. Barb pulled into the driveway and sat for a moment. The lights were on.

She didn’t want to face her parents, after all the crying she had done over Nancy. It was hard to look them in the eye sometimes, sure that the wrongness in her could be spotted. Her dad would warn her against boys with a wry grin. Her mother often sighed dreamily about imagined future grandchildren. Barb wanted to shout, _I can’t give you that! I’m not the daughter you wanted! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!_

She steeled herself and got out of the car.

As expected, her parents were waiting up for her in the sitting room watching a rerun of _I Dream of Jeannie_. Her mom was crocheting something pink and her father was nodding off beside her. Her mom acknowledged her with a smile before chaos erupted.

“Oh, my god, Barbara, what happened?”

Her dad’s eyes flew open. Her mom tossed her hooks aside and leaped off the couch. Barb looked down. There was blood on her khakis and the lacy edge of her sleeve. The tea towel wrapped around her hand had nearly soaked through.

“I –” she started. Her mother had looked her over and identified the source as quickly as only a mother can and was now holding her hand up, peeling the cloth back to examine the wound. It was still bleeding. “I fell… Um, I cut my hand on a rock.”

“Oh, this looks deep.” Barb’s mom fretted. “I think you need stitches. Tom, honey, get the keys. Come on, pumpkin.” She wrapped her arm around Barb, keeping hold of her hand. Barb let her fuss. She just wanted to go to bed and be through with the day, but she didn’t have the energy to put up a fight.

Barb’s parents quickly ushered her out the door and into their car. Her mother insisted on sitting in the back with her. She wouldn’t let go of her hand.

 

The emergency room at Hawkins General was deserted. A sleepy eyed nurse greeted the family and directed them to wait. It was strange to be the only people sitting there. Barb always thought empty hospitals had an eerie quality to them.

Soon a doctor emerged from around the corner and smiled jovially at the three of them. “Miss Barbara?” he said. Barb stood, and her parents surged up on either side of her like the world’s most unlikely bodyguards. She stifled a sigh, and allowed herself to be led into an adjacent room.

Narrow cots lined one wall, separated by curtains. Everything was white. The doctor stopped at the very first cot and had Barb sit there while he pulled over a chair and a metal table covered in medical equipment. Her mother perched beside her with her arm around her shoulders. Her father put his hand on the back of her neck.

The doctor asked Barb all sorts of questions ( _what happened?_ and _when?_ and _do you feel lightheaded?_ ) while he gave her a quick shot of anesthetic. Then he left and assured everyone he’d be back in a minute after the anesthetic had kicked in. It was all very routine.

No need for all the hovering.

In the end Barb got seven stitches across her palm and between her thumb and index finger. As she lay in bed that night she traced the line of tiny black marks in the darkness. She thought of Nancy on the stairs. The way she had looked almost embarrassed by Barb being there. If her palm scarred, she’d have a nice memento of the day she had lost her love.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday, thank you all so much for the lovely comments! I was so nervous to post this fic and you guys made me feel all warm and fuzzy. Incidentally, it's my birthday and my gift to myself is an extra sad Barb, I'm sorry. It gets worse before it gets better. That should be a tag.

Wednesday dawned bright and cold. When Barb came out of her room, her mom was cooking up a storm and her dad was filling a mug from the coffee machine.

“Good morning, pumpkin!” Her mom said. “Sit down, breakfast is almost ready.” Barb sat. Her mom slid some eggs in front of her and then stood beside her, idly stroking her hair. “You know, I was thinking,” she continued, “You don’t have to go to school today if you don’t want to. You can stay home and take it easy. Rest your hand.”

Barb was tempted. School meant Nancy. She wasn’t sure yet if she could face her after the night before. But, she knew that if she stayed her mother would hover over her all day. Sometimes it was really just too much. So she said, “No thanks, mom. My hand feels fine, and I’d rather not play catch-up.”

“There’s my tough girl.” Her dad said as he sat down across from her with his coffee. Barb rolled her eyes at him, but smiled to soften the gesture.

“Oh, you two.” Her mom chided. She brought the rest of breakfast to the table and they all tucked in. They looked like a picture perfect, all-American family.

Barb wished it didn’t feel so fake.

 

Nancy found her at her locker.

“Hey, Barb.”

“Hey, Nance.”

A heavy silence stretched between them. It wasn’t that Barb didn’t want to talk to Nancy, of course she did, she always did. She just didn’t know what to say.

“So,” Nancy started, “I know I was kinda harsh last night. I’m sorry. I wish you’d had more fun.”

Barb looked down. Shook her head. “That’s alright.” She said.

“No, I mean. I know I wasn’t a very good friend to you. You were just trying to look out for me.”

Barb had been looking out for herself more, but she couldn’t tell Nancy that. “I should have respected your decision.” She said. “I’m sorry too.”

Nancy smiled at her. Her eyes crinkled just so. She looked radiant.

“So,” Barb said, knowing she would hate whatever came out of Nancy’s mouth next, but unable to stop herself, “Was it nice?”

“Yeah.” Nancy said. “Yeah, it was nice.”

 

At lunch Steve Harrington made a fool of himself calling to Nancy clear across the cafeteria. He waved her over. The way Nancy perked up would have been cute, if it hadn’t been for him.

“Come on,” Nancy said, tugging on Barb’s elbow.

Barb could see Carol and Tommy H. looking at her and smirking. Tommy leaned over to whisper something in Carol’s ear and she laughed.

“Actually,” Barb said, pulling herself free of Nancy’s hold, “I have to run to the library. You go on.”

Nancy did.

 

It was after school that Steve began to show his true colors. Barb was unlocking her car just as a commotion began across the parking lot. Steve, Tommy, Carol, Nicole, and Nancy were standing around Jonathan Byers. As Barb looked on Steve dropped something to the ground with a crash. Jonathan flinched. Steve tore up some papers and tossed them into the air before walking away. His cronies took off with him, celebrating a job well done, but Nancy stayed behind, crouching down to help. At least she wasn’t in on the bullying.

Barb hurried over to help as well. Steve had dropped a camera, which was now shattered, and torn up what appeared to be photographs. Barb scooped up as many pieces as she could before they blew away. A couple of pieces had a weird smudge. Some kind of distortion. She caught a glimpse of a topless Nancy through what must have been Steve’s window and bit her lip. No wonder. Barb might have broken Jonathan’s camera too, if she’d had any right. What a skeeze.

She ended up giving Nancy a ride home. They goofed off singing to the Bee Gees and Blondie. It made Barb’s day.

 

Thursday dragged on pretty much the same. Small talk with Nancy. Avoiding Steve and his gang. It was lonely eating lunch in the library. Nancy thought she had a big project due. Barb wondered how long she could maintain the ruse.

It was announced that the body of Will Byers had been found. Barb felt awful for thinking he had just run away. The funeral was being held the very next day. Nancy tearfully asked if Barb would go with her. She couldn’t say no when Nancy looked so sad. Will had been one of her brother’s best friends.

So the next day, Barb wore her best dress and stood beside Nancy in the cemetery. And when Nancy reached out for her hand, she squeezed back tight. It almost felt the same as it had before.

After the funeral, Nancy disappeared. Barb searched high and low, she asked Nancy’s parents, Mike, anyone she could pull aside for a moment. No one knew where she was. No one had even seen her leave.

Barb felt betrayed. How could Nancy just take off without saying anything to her? She was here at Nancy’s request, to support her. She had ridden over with Nancy and her family, for goodness sake.

Barb sighed and walked home.

 

Saturday morning Barb tried to call Nancy to find out what had happened, but her mother said Nancy had already gone. No, she didn’t know where.

So, Barb found herself in the library, checking out a few books to take up her weekend. It was funny how often she found herself taking solace in books when she felt alone.

As she left the library, however, she was met with a scene in front of the Hawk.

_Nancy the SLUT Wheeler_

And that was how Barb found out that Nancy had taken up with the boy who had spied on her. She watched the whole affair from the sidelines – Jonathan and Steve fighting, Nancy screaming and crying, Jonathan getting arrested, Steve stalking off.

Nancy was alone when Barb finally approached.

“Is it true?”

Nancy turned to look at her. Her eyes were bright. There were tear tracks on her cheeks. “What?”

“Is it true? That Jonathan Byers was with you last night? In your room?”

“It wasn’t like that! We just –”

“I can’t believe you. You ditched me at the funeral for him?”

Nancy stared at her. “Would you listen to me? Nothing happened! I’m not a – a slut –”

“Well you sure are acting like one!”

Nancy stopped. Eyes wide, mouth agape. She looked as if Barb had struck her. She might as well have. Barb wanted to snatch the words back.

Barb wanted to cry.

All these boys and not her? Barb loved Nancy with everything she had. Had loved her desperately for years. Why wasn’t that enough? Why couldn’t that ever just be enough?

They stood there looking at each other in the alley for a long moment. Finally, Nancy turned away and was gone.

Barb felt sick. Her lips trembled. Her eyes burned. It felt like her whole world was burning to the ground, and she had been the one to throw the torch.

 

By Monday Barb had resigned herself to having lost her best friend, and her only love. She was sure Nancy would never speak to her again.

But Nancy came to her locker, just like every other day.

“Hey.” She said.

“…Hey.” Barb clutched her books tight to her chest and looked down. Her throat was tight, her breath shallow, but she had to say it. She _had_ to. And she forced herself to look Nancy in the eye as she did, however much it frightened her to do so. “I’m so sorry, Nancy. I didn’t mean what I said.’’

Nancy smiled sweetly. “I know,” she said. There was something strange in her eyes, but Barb couldn’t place it. “There was a lot going on. We were all pretty stressed out.”

Barb nodded. She knew that Nancy was giving her an out, was offering forgiveness without any real explanation. Barb couldn’t explain herself, not without pushing Nancy even further away. “Yeah,” she said. “That was some week. I’m glad Will was found after all.”

Nancy’s eyes tightened, her smile fixed, but she nodded and said, “Me too.”

 

Nancy had made up with Steve, and Steve had apparently ditched his friends to be with her. Good riddance. Jonathan seemed to have joined their group, to Barb’s surprise, and all three were huddled close in the cafeteria at lunchtime, deep in discussion.

A discussion which halted abruptly as Barb approached the table. They all looked up at her, wide-eyed, as she hesitated awkwardly with her tray. Nancy looked guilty. Then all at once they were shifting to make room for her, smiling, chatting, joking.

Barb sat with them and smiled, chatted, joked. Every now and then one of them would look at another with some mysterious significance. The strange look in Nancy’s eyes came and went. Steve gave Jonathan his chocolate milk. Nancy shared her orange slices with Barb.

They all looked like friends.

Barb wished it didn’t feel so fake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that concludes season one. I know some of you were excited to see how it played out, but I saw things continuing in much the same way without Barb's death, Upsidedown-wise. How her presence alters events to come, we shall see!
> 
> Also, I'm surprised no one realized the demogorgon had tracked Barb to her car.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Thank you, readers, for all of your encouragement. I'll respond to your comments as soon as I can. I've been unusually busy this past week. For those of you on tumblr, you may have seen that I'm in a bit of a crisis regarding my living situation at the moment, so chapter four may not be up next week. I will have it up as soon as possible, and once things settle down I'll return to a regular posting schedule. Feel free to subscribe if you want to be notified about new chapters until then. Love you all!

A year.

One year of sidelong glances and awkward silences. One year of strained and stilted conversations. One year of lie after lie after lie.

Barb had always been able to tell when Nancy was lying.

After the turbulence in their friendship last November, Nancy had grown more and more distant as the months wore on. She became short and snappish, occasionally with Barb, but mostly with Steve of all people. And the sad thing was that Barb couldn’t even be glad. Steve had turned out to be a pretty stand-up guy.

She still thought Jonathan was a skeeze though.

 

It was a brisk day in late October and the trees were a blazing riot of color everywhere Barb looked. Fall was her favorite season – an excuse to bundle up, snuggle close, and drink warm apple cider, all without having to trudge through snow up to her knees.

The word on everybody’s lips that day was _Hargrove_. Apparently, a new student had rolled into town and he was just the bee’s knees. Barb hadn’t seen him yet, but in all of her classes there were girls leaning over the aisles, head bent together, whispering and giggling over how cute his butt was.

It made Barb want to gag. In what world was any butt _cute_? She didn’t even think _Nancy’s_ butt was cute.

And then in English she finally got a glimpse of everyone’s favorite topic. Billy Hargrove. She liked his jacket, she liked his earring glinting under the fluorescents, but the rest wasn’t anything to write home about.

Not that Barb’s opinion on the subject really mattered, considering.

He seemed like kind of an ass too, she thought, sprawling in his chair, knees spread too wide, with a devil-may-care grin and making eyes at all the still-giggling girls. And then his gaze fell to Barb over his shoulder and she couldn’t help the face the made. Sort of like when a little boy shows a little girl the worm he’d just dug out of the dirt.

But that just made Billy smile wider. Barb concentrated on her work.

 

“Are you going to Tina’s Halloween party tomorrow?” Nancy asked by the school steps that afternoon.

Barb shrugged. “You know I don’t really like that sort of thing. It’s just an excuse for everyone to get drunk just because her parents won’t be there.”

“Oh, please? We don’t have to drink, we can just hang out. It might be fun!” Nancy reached out and touched Barb’s arm. Made her eyes all big and pleading the way she knew Barb had a hard time saying no to.

Barb had tried hard over the past year to stop thinking about Nancy in more than friendly terms, but sometimes she still found herself getting lost in those perfect blue eyes. And Nancy was always so sweet to her it was hard to remember that she didn’t have even a miniscule shot at something more. That, and it just felt plain wrong to pine and lust after her while she was happy with someone else. Even if Nancy hadn’t seemed particularly happy with Steve lately.

She’d tried asking a couple of times what was going on between her and Steve, but Nancy always dodged the question. Or changed the subject. Or got _shifty_. If Barb pushed had enough Nancy would snap at her.

_I can’t talk about it,_ she would say. Not, _I don’t want to talk about it_ , she always said _I can’t_.

It grated on Barb’s nerves. They didn’t used to keep secrets from each other, except that one big thing that she couldn’t tell _anyone_. Nancy used to tell her everything. Nancy used to trust her.

Sometimes Barb wondered if Nancy had every really forgiven her for calling her a slut.

She’d hesitated too long, looking at Nancy and thinking about her eyes and her hands and her secrets and hating herself for it. So Nancy said, “Please, Barb? I want you to be there.”

“Alright.”

It wasn’t like she could say no to those eyes.

Nancy grinned at her and said, “Okay, great!” and started off toward Steve’s car in the distance.

“Oh, hey, you’re still coming to dinner, right?”

Nancy looked back over her shoulder. “I wouldn’t miss it. I’ll be there by seven.”

“Cool, see you later then.”

“See you!”

It was embarrassing how long Barb remained on the steps, watching Nancy walk away. Maybe her butt was a little cute after all.

 

With a few hours to kill, Barb found herself in her usual haunt, the library. She had been reading at her favorite table, fairly secluded and nearly hidden by angled shelves, for some time before she heard the library door open, flooding the space with bright afternoon light.

She looked up, and there was the infamous Billy Hargrove, hands shoved deep into his jacket pockets, shoulders hunched, and glancing this way and that like he was afraid to be caught lurking around books. With a huff, she disregarded him and went back to her reading.

Soon, however, she heard soft footsteps nearby, and looked up to find Billy again, lingering in one of the aisles. He checked over his shoulder and must not have seen her, because he snatched a book off the shelf and went to tuck it into his waistband. She caught a glimpse of the title: _Carrie_.

_Who steals a book from the library_? she thought. She said, “That’s a good one.” And Billy startled so hard he dropped the book and whipped around to stare at her.

“I preferred _Firestarter_ ,” she continued. “But it’s a little thicker, I’m not sure it’ll fit in your pants.”

His brow furrowed for a moment before his lips curled up into a sly grin. “You’d be surprised what I can fit in my pants.”

“Doubt it.”

That got a laugh. A surprised, but delighted laugh. He looked at her for a moment with a slightly confused smile, then shook his head. He said, “I don’t have a card.”

“Your first one’s free.” Barb said, raising her eyebrows.

Billy stood there looking at her for a moment, that bemused grin still on his face. Then he bent down and picked up _Carrie_ from the floor and wandered off. Barb saw him get a library card at the front desk before he left.

 

Nancy knocked on the front door at seven o’clock sharp. She was all smiles, making nice with Barb’s parents. They had always approved of Nancy, and why wouldn’t they? She dressed conservatively, was well-mannered and studious. Would they have liked her so much if they could read Barb’s thoughts?

Things went south after dinner.

Nancy was lounging on Barb’s bed, flipping through an old copy of _Seventeen Magazine_. Barb sat at the end, one leg tucked up under her, watching. Admiring. She tried not to like the look of the scene too much.

It was nice. Almost normal, even, besides the abnormality of Barb herself. Except for the thought scratching at the back of her brain, the same thought that had been scratching her bloody for the past year. There was a distance, a sense of restraint, between them that hadn’t been there before. A year ago Barb had thought it was because Nancy was moving on from their friendship. Then she thought it had stemmed from Barb’s outburst outside of the Hawk.

But Nancy had stayed with her, even as she became more popular from her association with Steve.

And Nancy had forgiven her for the awful things she’d said. She said she did. She hadn’t said so but she had implied it, hadn’t she?

Yet, that distance remained. Barb had wondered, still wondered but could never come out and ask, if she had been found out. If she had been too obvious in her jealousy of Steve, too brazen in her affection for Nancy. If all her soft touches and tender looks and whispers in the dark had sparked a realization that Barb’s fondness for her best friend had gone much too far. In her worst moments she wondered if Nancy remained her friend in name only, out of pity.

The thought that Nancy knew about Barb’s affliction, and felt sorry for her, was worse than it would have been if she had cut ties with Barb entirely.

Nothing had been said since they’d walked in and closed the door. It was as if their amiability at the dinner table in front of her parents, at school among their peers, was all for show. The silence was roaring in Barb’s ears.

“What is it you don’t want to tell me?” she asked. The words leaped out of her before she could even think to hold them back and Nancy looked up, startled, and there was a glimpse of shock in her eyes before they shuttered, and she said, “What?” with a smile.

Barb hesitated. She wasn’t sure if this was a conversation she wanted to have. If she was ready. Finally, “You heard me,” she said. Her voice only shook a little. “I know you better than I know anybody. I’ve been able to read you like a book since fourth grade. You’re keeping things from me, Nancy. I want to know why. I want you to say it.” At the end she gasped for a breath and held it. It stuttered out. Her heart was pounding.

It felt like they were suspended in time. An endless moment of dread. The clattering of dishes in the sink tinkled softly from the kitchen. Barb’s mom was humming, oblivious to the impending disaster in her daughter’s bedroom.

Nancy sat up slowly, set the magazine aside. “I don’t know what you mean.” she said. Slowly. Warily.

“Stop it. Stop that. You’re always brushing me off –”

“No I’m not! I –”

“I don’t know what’s going on with you anymore!”

“Barb –”

“Why do you all shut up when I’m around?”

Nancy stopped. Her eyebrows creased hard, her lips shaking. “What?” Her voice was weak.

“You and the guys. You’re always talking to them, and you all clam up when you see me. Every time. Every damn time, Nancy!”

Nancy’s eyes were welling up. “That’s not true, Barb.”

“Yes it is! It is!” Barb was shouting so loud her throat ached. She felt mad with despair. “Is it me?”

“No!”

“Is it me? You’re all talking about me behind my back?”

“No!”

“About what a _freak_ I am?”

“Barb! Stop it!”

Barb was shaking. Nancy was shaking. She got up and tore out of Barb’s room. The bathroom door slammed.

All of a sudden Barb felt numb. Her eyes had been burning with unshed tears a second before, but they had cleared. Her breathing slowed. Her heartbeat was steady. When had she stood up? She sank back onto the bed. She stared blankly at the opposite wall. It was the same soft baby-pink it had been since she was born. The color always made her feel like a child.

Barb’s mother was in the doorway. Fluttering, fretting. Barb couldn’t even hear her. Eventually, she walked away.

Why was she like this?

It felt like she sat there for hours, just staring. It was so quiet.

The bathroom door creaked open and a moment later Nancy wandered back into her room. Barb looked at her. Nancy looked at the carpet. Her eyes were red.

“It’s getting pretty late,” she said. “I think I’m gonna head out.”

“… Okay.” Barb said. Her voice was hoarse.

Nancy chewed on her lip. Wrung her hands. Scrunched her shoulders up by her ears. “We don’t talk about you.”

“Alright.” Barb didn’t mean to sound resigned. Nancy’s shoulders scrunched tighter.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, see you.”

Nancy left.

Barb closed her door, dressed for bed, climbed under the covers. It felt like she was moving underwater. She still felt numb. Did she feel anything?

_Why am I like this?_

She stared at her ceiling in the dark. Under the covers, she traced the fine white scar on her left palm. She couldn’t feel it, but she knew the track of it by heart.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm have returned with even more angst and depression and teenage wallowing!
> 
> I'm so incredibly sorry for the long ass wait for this chapter. I went back and read chapter 3 to refresh my memory of what was going on and realized I'd left you all with a very bad ending for months! As some of you might know, I had some issues with the Real World and Adult Stuff and Family Problems and it all took much longer to resolve than I'd hoped. But, I've got time for Fandom Things again, so hopefully we can get back to a more regular schedule. I hope my writing hasn't deteriorated too much, ha! I tried to keep the same tone as the previous chapters, but I'm not sure how well I succeeded. I'm in a different place mentally and emotionally now than I was when I started (it's a good thing, trust me).
> 
> Anyway, thanks for sticking around. Much love, friends!

By the next morning, the world had been washed of color. The air was heavy with an oncoming storm, pressing down on Hawkins in a way that made Barb shiver with irrational dread. She almost begged off of school, feigned an upset stomach, but she knew that she couldn’t run from her guilt forever. Unless her parents let her homeschool. Now there was an idea.

“Are you sure, Barb?” her mom asked for the third time. “You really don’t have to go if you don’t feel well. You won’t fall behind. Nancy can bring you your work and–“

Barb almost flinched at the name. “I’m sure, mom,” she interrupted. “I feel better now, I promise.”

“Well, alright, pumpkin. But you can still come home if you change your mind. You can have the office call me if you don’t want to drive. Here, I’ll write you a note.”

Barb let her mother write a lengthy note explaining how terribly ill she was. It was easier than to argue about it. She accepted the letter with the sweetest smile she could manage and surrendered herself to her mother’s embrace. She was walked to the door with an arm around her shoulders and given a final squeeze before being set free.

“I love you, pumpkin!” her mom called as she got into her car. She was still standing in the doorway with a forlorn expression, seeing her only daughter off like Barb was boarding a ship to a wild new country instead of going across town for a few hours. Barb waved.

She tossed the note out the car window three streets away.

 

The parking lot at Hawkins Highschool was bigger than it would probably ever need to be for such a small town. There were long stretches of empty spots, but the lot seemed fuller than it actually was with clusters of teens milling about, chatting and smoking, avoiding the inside of the building for as long as they could get away with. Barb pulled into a spot at the far end of the parking lot, hoping to arrive unnoticed and disappear into the crowd. She might not have been cowardly enough to hide at home, but she was just cowardly enough to hope that Nancy simply didn’t see her today.

She spied Billy Hargrove leaning against his car, ankles crossed, shirt open to the waist, smoking a cigarette like a model. Barb thought he looked a little bit ridiculous. He was wearing sunglasses even though the cloud laden sky had cast a gloomy yellow shade over the town. He caught her looking and grinned, waggling his fingers. She smiled back, but couldn’t help that it was a little bit mocking. He seemed to get a kick out of it anyway.

Barb hurried inside. She and Nancy usually met on the front steps. If Nancy was looking for her today, that was where she would start. With luck, Barb could get her books from her locker and get to class before the first bell. She should be able to avoid facing the aftermath of her freak out the night before for at least a couple of hours.

Her luck lasted for exactly three more minutes, before Nancy cornered her in the girl’s room.

“Look, it’s not you–“

“God, I’m _so sorry_ –“

They stopped, staring at each other, their words echoing off the tiles. Nancy was holding her hands palm to palm against her mouth like she was praying. Her eyes were so shiny.

“I’m sorry, Nancy.”

Nancy shook her head, opened her mouth.

“Please don’t.” Barb said. “It wasn’t fair of me to go off on you like that, and I’m sorry.”

Nancy’s hands were still pressed against her mouth. It hurt to look at her like that.

“And, we haven’t been getting along like we used too, but it isn’t you fault. It’s my fault. I don’t know what’s been so wrong with me lately.” Her voice was breaking. Nancy’s eyes were big and shiny and sad. Barb dropped her gaze. There was a crack in the tile right between her shoes. “I’m sorry.” she finished lamely. She couldn’t bear to look at Nancy again, so she kept staring at the crack. She almost felt like she was apologizing to the floor. _I’m sorry, floor. I’m sorry somebody broke you._

There was a sniffle, a gasp, and then Nancy’s arms around Barb, Nancy’s cheek pressed against Barb’s breastbone, Nancy’s hands on Barb’s back, holding her close. The bell rang.

A sob clawed its way out of Barb’s chest. It was far too loud in the empty bathroom and she wished she could snatch it back. A part of her wanted to run away, couldn’t face Nancy’s sweet smile and her gentle letdown. She couldn’t move. Could Nancy hear her heartbeat? Would it betray her?

“There were some things that happened,” Nancy began, her voice muffled in Barb’s sweater. “Last year, when Jonathan’s brother went missing. There were some things that we all went through, and you weren’t there, and I wish I could talk to you about it but I _can’t_.” She sniffled again. Her thin arms were squeezing Barb so tight.

“It’s alright.” Barb said. She felt wrung out, lank and ragged. She really wished that felt true. “You don’t have to, and I don’t have any right to demand that you do.”

“I’m sorry I made you feel like that. There’s nothing you have to worry about. You’ll always be my best friend.” Nancy mumbled into Barb’s chest. She rocked their bodies back and forth. The seconds ticked by and Nancy wasn’t letting go. Her hair smelled like lilies.

Barb tried not to think about how intimate it would be if one of them were a boy.

Finally, Nancy retreated from their embrace and smiled up at her. There were tear tracks on her face, but her eyes were dry. She said, “I love you Barb.”

_If only._

“I love you too, Nance.”

 

The day crawled by. Every now and then in the classes they shared, Barb would catch Nancy’s eyes on her, a pensive expression on her face. She’d long ago told herself not to read into things like that, but it made her heart race regardless.

In the halls, she saw Nancy step in close to Steve and Jonathan, looking up at them with her can’t-say-no eyes. Steve looked pitying, the arm he had curled around Nancy’s shoulders stiff. Jonathan looked worried, but thoughtful. The scene repeated itself twice before midday. Barb didn’t intervene. She was starting to learn better.

Once lunchtime came around, however, it couldn’t be helped. It would only be awkward and obvious to hover several feet away while her friends talked amongst themselves. She hoped she didn’t look too hesitant walking up to their table. Her muscles felt like they were all quivering. The earth stopped spinning. Everything moved in slow motion.

_Will they, will they, will they?_

She tried not to let it get to her when the three of them fell silent at her approach. She didn’t succeed, but at least she gave it her best shot. _Gold star for effort, Barb._

Nancy looked at her guiltily as she poked at the food on her tray. It was casserole surprise day. Barb didn’t feel very surprised.

At least Steve gave her his orange slices.

 

Steve was picking Nancy up for the party that night, so Nancy had made Barb promise twice that she wouldn’t flake out. So that was how, at seven thirty that night, Barb found herself stood beside her parked car a block away from Tina Cline’s house, marveling at the way it sounded like she was already on their front lawn. She trudged down the street, head low, hands balled deep into her jacket pockets. The mad cacophony of the party rose until it felt like it was shaking her bones apart, but Barb only knew she had arrived at the right house by the lights glittering over the rain-slicked road.

She looked up and gaped. The place was already a disaster, and she could hear people screaming from the backyard, counting, chanting, cheering. Somebody was doing a keg stand back there. Barb had to take a steadying breath before making her way inside. Nancy knew she hated parties.

How could the music be any louder than it had been from the street? Barb wondered how long it would take for her brain to start dribbling out of her ears. She made her way through the crowd, trying to avoid the stickier parts, eyes hunting for Nancy and Steve.

Right about now she’d even be happy to see Jonathan.

The first friendly face she spotted, however, was Billy’s. He made a grand entrance, flanked by Tommy H. and leaving applause and laughter in his wake. He looked absolutely disgusting, shirtless under his jacket and gleaming with _something_. He was probably the stickiest person in the whole room. Still, he was someone she sort of liked. She raised her arm over the crowd, not that she needed to, seeing as she was a head taller than the majority of it, and waved. His eyes locked with hers and she smiled, but then his gaze passed right over her and he went with Tommy and his other admirers to the other side of the room.

She could have told herself that he hadn’t seen her, if only to ease the burn of rejection, but she knew he had. And she knew why he’d pretended he hadn’t. Banter was fine in the isolation of the library, and a friendly gesture nothing to worry about across a crowded parking lot, but Billy Hargrove didn’t want to be _seen_ with her. Billy Hargrove, who was a rising star, new and exciting and adored by all. An ugly nerd like Barb would only drag him down. It wasn’t like they were even _friends_ , but his casual dismissal of her still hurt.

She kind of wished she hadn’t seen Billy at all.

Her jaw was tight as she turned away, blinking fast and trying her best not to make a spectacle of herself in front of the entire school. She finally spotted Steve’s giant hair bobbing away in the corner, and, as she got closer, Nancy twirling around while trying to drink from her cup at the same time.

“Baaaarb!” she cooed when she noticed Barb. She did a final twirl and fell into Barb’s side, giggling. “Barb, I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Hey, Barb,” Steve said with a grin and a smack to Barb’s shoulder. “Glad you could make it!”

Barb smiled at them, knowing she wasn’t really pulling it off. Nancy and Steve were either too kind or too drunk to notice. “Yeah, I don’t think I’m really going to stay long.”

That got Nancy’s attention. “Oh, nooooo,” she said. She looked up at Barb from where she was still leaning against her like Barb was the only thing keeping her on her feet. She had her can’t-say-no eyes, and her soft pouty lips, and her head was lolling like the room was spinning wildly under her feet.

Barb sighed. “This isn’t really my scene. And besides, you said we weren’t going to get drunk.”

“I did? I’m sorry. I’m not drunk though… Barb, I’m not.”

“That’s my fault,” Steve cut in. “She was wound up earlier and I was trying to make her relax, you know? I guess she doesn’t hold it very well.”

Nancy shot Steve a very unimpressed look and shoved off of Barb to stalk over to the table holding the drinks. Steve gaped after her and offered Barb a hasty apology as he dashed off to follow, stranding Barb alone amidst the sea or writhing teens. She slumped against the wall, blowing her cheeks out with a heavy sigh.

_Figures._

Through a gap in the mass of her peers, Barb could see Nancy and Steve next to the punch bowl. They were arguing. Steve looked concerned, then upset, and Nancy looked like she was getting meaner and meaner. It ended with a spilled drink and a scathing look and the two of them stalking off toward the bathroom.

Or maybe it didn’t. After several minutes of lingering alone by the wall, she saw Steve return. He looked like a little boy, sad and lost and alone. He didn’t come back to where he and Nancy had left Barb. Instead, he wandered off and disappeared.

She didn’t see Nancy again.

Somebody shoved a drink at her face, so she took it.

A while after that she caught a glimpse of Billy cornering Steve with a sharp smirk and fierce eyes.

Later she was slumped on Tina’s couch with a new drink in her hands.

She felt like trash.

Halloween was way more fun back when they trick-or-treated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, it's still angsty. Sorry, folks. The next chapter, I think, is where things will start to get better. The ultimate brotp is coming!
> 
> These past few chapters have mostly been a lot of setup, and I'm sorry if it's been boring for you guys. I had to get through a lot of canon events and establish the subtle differences with Barb's presence before getting into the real story.
> 
> I moved a couple of events from the party around to make the chapter flow a little better. Billy doesn't confront Steve until after the big fight and Nancy going home. I tried to fit it in, but couldn't make it work.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I forgot it was Friday. My bad, ya'll, enjoy the chapter!

On Thursday Barb really did beg off of school. She put on a self-depreciating smile and told her mother she’d pigged out on too much candy. Silly Barb. She didn’t think her mom would be quite so fondly exasperated with her if she’d admitted she was hungover.

She had a good girl image to maintain, after all.

Her mother didn’t even think to question her. She brought her saltines and a glass of water and kiss on the cheek and left her alone.

Barb spent the morning dozing in bed, staring at her baby-pink bedroom, and feeling sorry for herself. The afternoon passed curled up on the couch in her pajamas watching _Murder, She Wrote_ and _Jeopardy!_ with her mom. Her mom even let her drink orange juice after she insisted she didn’t feel nauseous anymore.

The phone rang at three forty-five.

“Oh, sure,” her mother’s voice filtered in from the kitchen. “She just had a little bit of a tummy-ache this morning but she’ll be back at school tomorrow. Would you like to talk to her?” Barb looked up warily. “Barb! It’s Nancy on the phone for you!” She walked in, stretching the cord all the way to the couch, and thrust the phone into Barb’s hands.

Barb stared at it like it was a snake. It might as well have been. The nausea settled back in to her stomach. She shouldn’t have had orange juice. The line crackled and Nancy’s tinny voice said, “Hello?”

Resigned, Barb brought the phone to her ear and said, “Hey Nance.” Her mom smiled at her and flitted away to do housewifey things. Barb didn’t know how she could spend every day folding laundry and washing dishes and vacuuming every room in the house without going crazy. Barb got a little crazy the few times she’d tried to make dinner by herself.

“Barb, hey,” Nancy said. She sounded relieved, but Barb couldn’t fathom why. Maybe because they’d missed each other at the party. All night. “I’m sorry we didn’t really get to hang out last night.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it.”

“No, it’s just– I got drunk and left early and… I think Jonathan took me home but I don’t really remember. You got home okay?”

Barb didn’t quite recall just how she’d gotten from Tina’s couch to her own bed last night either. She peeked through the curtains behind her and saw her car in the driveway. So she said, “Yeah. Yeah, I didn’t drink that much so I was fine driving myself.”

“Oh, good. Look, Barb, I really wanted to talk to you today, but– I can’t do it over the phone. I’ll, um. I’ll tell you why later.”

“Nancy… What’s going on?”

There was a staticy sigh and then, “I shouldn’t tell you over the phone, okay? It has to be in person.”

“Nance,” Barb bit her lip hard. The hurried and hushed way Nancy was speaking put her on edge. She’d never heard her sound that way before, even when they’d made sneaky plans for parentally-unapproved fun. “Is everything alright? Can you tell me that?”

There was a long stretch of silence before Nancy replied, “Yeah, no, everything’s fine for now, but– We’ll talk about it tomorrow, okay? Meet me at the park on Church, okay? Before school.”

“Wait, why?”

“Trust me, we don’t want to be overheard. I shouldn’t have even called, I wanted to arrange this in person today, but you weren’t here and…” There was another burst of static as Nancy sighed harshly. “Just tell me you’ll be there, okay?”

“Nance, you’re scaring me. Are you in trouble or something?”

“Tell me you’ll be there.”

“Okay. Okay, Nancy, I’ll see you there tomorrow. Church Street?”

“Yeah, Church. I’ve got to go.”

The line went dead. Barb cradled the phone in her lap for a long moment, staring ahead at the television without seeing anything. It felt as though her lungs had seized up. Her heart was thumping hard against her ribcage. After a while she got up in a daze and went into the kitchen to hang up the phone. She wandered in and out of rooms until she found her mom folding a pile of bedsheets and hugged her, folding her overlarge frame in until she was tucked into her mother’s arms in a way she hadn’t been in years.

At least her mom seemed delighted. “Oh, hi, pumpkin! What’s this?”

“Nothing.” Barb said. “I just wanted to hug you for a minute.”

Her mom hummed and wrapped Barb up in her arms and held her until Barb pulled away.

 

The night passed fitfully, Barb jerking awake at every noise, tossing and turning and rubbing her palm. She was out of bed before the sun had crested the horizon, rushing through a shower and pulling on whichever clothes her hands touched first.

Her mother caught her moments before tearing out the door and insisted she sit down for breakfast.

“Why are you in such a hurry anyway, pumpkin?” she scolded with a small smile.

“I have to get my make-up work from yesterday. Finals are coming up, you know? And–“

“Oh, pumpkin. You’ll have plenty of time for that, don’t worry. One missed day won’t set you back that far.”

“But, mom–“

“You’ve always been so serious about your studies.” She ran her fingers through Barb’s short curls. “I’m so proud of you for that, but I don’t want you to burn yourself out. It’s okay to take things a little bit slower.”

Barb sighed. Her mom cupped her face and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “At least eat some toast, pumpkin. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, everybody knows that.”

“All right, but then I really have to go.”

“Sure,”

“Can I take it with me?”

“Okay, pumpkin.”

So that was how Barb found herself sat on a park bench in the chilly early hours of the morning, eating plain buttered toast out of a napkin.

Church Street was only two blocks away from the highschool, and the park a popular spot to linger both before and after classes. It was too early for many people to be around, but still, Barb didn’t get any odd looks from passersby.

The toast vanished quickly, and Barb threw away the napkin in the nearest trashcan before rushing back to the bench. She knew she was probably far too early to meet Nancy, with the sun just having barely risen, but she didn’t want to take any chances.

Time seemed to crawl and speed by at random intervals. Barb checked her watch six times in nine minutes, then realized she had been staring at the same fluttering shadow for eighteen. Her knee bounced restlessly while she kept a sharp eye out for Nancy. She slumped against the back of the bench, her head handing back, staring at the sun inching its way slowly into the heavens.

Two minutes till first bell found Barb chewing on her lip, pressing her thumb into her scarred palm until it started to tingle. Five minutes past and her hands were clenched in her lap and her jaw ached from tension. Fifteen minutes past and Barb was ready to cry.

She’d been stood up. She wasn’t even sure if she was surprised.

The park was large, with walking paths and little groves here and there. Barb wandered aimlessly. How could Nancy have gotten her so worked up and scared yesterday and then not even bothered to show up? Whatever it was she had wanted to say must not have been so important after all.

She was off the path and surrounded by trees when she heard a sly, “Hey there, Red.”

It took a moment to spot the source of the voice. Billy. He was leaning up against a tree, hands in the pockets of his too tight jeans, cocky grin on his face. As if Barb needed anything else to grind her down today. She huffed and turned away.

“Wha– Hey!” There was a loud crackling of feet stumbling through bracken and then Billy was beside her, grin firmly plastered on his face and his eyebrows arched high. “Shouldn’t you be in school, young lady?” he teased.

“Oh, my god,” Barb huffed as she continued to stalk away. “Go away.”

“What, you don’t like me anymore?” He was still grinning.

“No.”

“Really?” Barb tried really hard to ignore the uncertainty in his voice. He still had that annoying grin on his face, but from the corner of her eye it seemed to falter for a moment. She whirled around.

“You didn’t seem to like _me_ very much last night.” she said. Her chest was already heaving. “You’re only talking to me right now because there’s nobody else around.”

“Hey, that’s not true, c’mon,”

“If Tommy or Randall or David were here you wouldn’t be. You’d pretend you didn’t _see me_ so you wouldn’t have to be _embarrassed_.” Barb was so angry. Angry at Nancy, at Billy, at herself for being so, so _stupid_. She glared and continued, “Or you’d say something nasty to me to make them all laugh. Wouldn’t you?”

Billy stood there with a hard stare, jaw set forward in a frown. He was quiet for a long moment before he scoffed and looked off to the side and smirked. “Goddamn, what crawled up your ass?”

Barb could feel her jaw start to tremble so she turned to walk away again. There was no sound behind her. She found the path and followed it until she came to another bench tucked away in the shade and collapsed onto it. She held her face in her hands, pushed her fingers up under her glasses and pressed in to her eyes until she saw patterns. After a few moments she heard a soft crunch of gravel and felt someone sink down onto the bench beside her.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Billy said quietly. “About last night.”

Barb took a deep breath and looked up at him. He looked contrite and concerned. It softened his face in a nice way that made him really look his age. There was no more modelesque posturing; Billy sat hunched forward, hands held loosely between his knees, leaning down and into Barb’s space just enough to get a look at her face. It was a much better look for him, she thought. She watched him for a moment, waiting for the façade to break, but it didn’t.

“You were a real dick.” she said.

“Yeah.” he said back.

Barb leaned back and Billy followed suit, still watching her. A few birds chirped back and forth above their heads. Barb fiddled with the sleeves of her jacket. They didn’t say anything for a moment.  And then, “I was supposed to be meeting somebody.”

“Aw, you get stood up by your date?”

“It wasn’t a date.” Barb snapped.

“Okay!” Billy held his hands up in surrender, grin back in full force. He laughed. “Just teasing. Sorry your friend flaked, Red.”

Barb screwed up her mouth and said, “It’s Barb.”

“Barb? _Barbara_?” Billy made a gross hacking sound in the back of his throat. “Wow, I’m so sorry. Don't worry, I'll never call you that.”

“Shut up, it was my great aunt’s name.”

Billy just snickered. He pulled out a hand rolled cigarette, lit it up, took a drag and blew the smoke into the sky. It wasn’t a cigarette. He held it out to her.

“No way,” she said.

“One pull,” he said.

“No,”

“One pull. It’ll do you good.”

Barb made a face, but took the joint. The end was wet with spit. Gross. She took a drag and nearly gagged as she coughed the smoke back out. Billy ‘aww’-ed at her and she scrunched her nose back at him. They passed the joint back and forth a few times. He taught her to draw the smoke in deeper so it didn’t burn her throat so much. It wasn’t so bad after a while. Billy laughed at her a lot, but she decided she didn’t really mind.

The shadows had shifted quite a bit. They were so late; first period was probably already over. Billy was slouched into the bench with his arm laid along the back. He didn’t try and sneak it over Barb’s shoulders. She was pretty glad about that.

“So,” Billy drawled, “You wanna ditch?”

Barb thought about it. Pursed her lips. Looked up at the swaying tree branches. Sighed.

“Yeah.”

Billy grinned.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are update schedules, really? Like, in the grand scheme of the universe?
> 
> Thank you guys so much for sticking with me. The comments and kudos left in my absence kept my muse afloat in the turbulent ocean of procrastination, depression, and toddlers. You guys are the real MVPs.
> 
> I can't promise I'll continue to update with any consistency at this point, but I'll do my best. I fiddled with this chapter for the longest time until it was fiddled to death, and I'm still not fully satisfied with it but whatever. Take it.

The second day of November was thus far the best day of Barb’s whole year. They’d left the park in Billy’s Camaro and he’d driven them out of town, through the twisting backroads and endless fields and woods until they hit the freeway. He had the windows rolled down and drove so fast that the sound of the air whipping past the car was almost deafening. He howled into the wind like a psycho.

Barb howled too, after she got over her initial jolt of terror.

They pulled into a diner off the freeway in the middle of nowhere. It was nestled in a stretch of woodland, nearly hidden from the road but for the sign sticking up out of the foliage. _Lou-Anne’s_ was kitschy and a little rundown, but they served blue moon ice-cream.

“You won’t be a true mid-westerner until you’ve had some blue moon.” she said.

Billy shot her a look that clearly said he could live with that, but got out of the car regardless.

They picked a booth by the front windows and ordered pancakes. Billy ate his with strawberry syrup. Absolutely revolting. “You’re so gross,” Barb said. Billy opened his pancake and strawberry syrup filled mouth at her. Barb shoved half of a whipped-cream laden pancake in hers. Billy choked.

It was great.

Then Barb choked. That wasn’t great. She wondered if she might be high. She’d never been high. How did one know when one was high? She watched Billy lick the syrup off of his plate with mild horror. He was gross and flashy and _a boy_ , but he was kind of all right. Right up until he swiped her last pancake, anyway. They fought over it with their forks until they had something of an equal share.

Then, finally, it was time for Billy’s induction to mid-western culture. Barb flagged down the sole waitress and ordered one bowl, two spoons. The waitress raised her brows. Barb guessed they looked like a pretty odd couple.

Just moments later a bowl slid between them, two spoons jutting from the top. Billy looked apprehensive at the color. He looked at Barb. She smiled. He looked at the ice-cream and back at her. She nodded encouragingly, holding back the laughter that wanted to burst out.

The first thing out of Billy’s mouth after having a taste was, “The _fuck_ is that?”

“Nobody knows…” said Barb mysteriously before collapsing into a fit of giggles. Billy shook his head and cackled along with her. Sharon looked on from behind the counter despairingly.

Yeah, Barb was pretty sure she was high.

 

They took the car all the way out to Bloomington, parked on the side of the road, and started wandering around. Barb had only been out to Bloomington with her parents, to a couple of places, just a few times in her life. Billy asked her where they could have some fun. Barb shrugged at him. Billy bought them both hats and sunglasses so that they would look like obnoxious tourists.

“Or spies.” he said. He was such a dork. Barb thought it was fantastic. A year ago it had seemed like Nancy had grown up overnight. She was suddenly so serious all the time. More than missing Nancy, a part of Barb missed just being silly and carefree with her. Maybe it was that no one in Bloomington knew them, that there was no hierarchy to climb or peers to judge, but Billy was outrageously shameless.

So Barb let Billy disguise her in a cloche and cat-eye glasses and they played spies like little kids. They ducked into alleyways and slunk down the sidewalks, backs to the wall. They chased each other up and down the streets and sprang around corners laughing like lunatics. Billy surprised an old lady and apologized through breathless laughter before taking off again with a _totally manly_ shriek when she flagged down a cop. At one point Barb lost sight of him and he turned up ten minutes later wearing a blue feather boa and wrapped a long, green sequined scarf around her neck.

“Oh my god, Billy, where did you get these?” Barb laughed.

“There’s a costume shop back there!”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“ _You’re_ lucky I didn’t get the Bigfoot suit.”

 

He took her to the costume shop. There really was a Bigfoot suit.

 

Afternoon found them sitting at the top of a set of bleachers, sharing cheese fries and m&ms and cheering on a bunch of strangers’ kids playing t-ball like it was a major league game.

“Hey, batter, batter!” Billy shouted. The batter missed. “It’s okay, Richie, the ball’s not going anywhere, try again!” Barb smacked his arm and he made a face at her before shoving a handful of fries in his mouth. He was so disgusting.

“Why are you so disgusting?”

“Iphs pah ah mah shahm.”

The batter made contact and the little rubber ball tumbled a few feet away. “Wooo!” cried Billy around a mouthful of potato, cheese and chocolate, “Alright, Trevor! That’s my boy!” Barb waved away the real parents’ annoyed glares, trying her best to muffle her own laughs. “Run, Pablo, run!” Barb snuck more fries into Billy’s mouth to shut him up. “Ackgh!”

Richie-Trevor-Pablo made it all the way to third base by skipping first and second. The parents clapped halfheartedly while Barb and Billy cheered. “Way to think out of the box, kiddo!” she shouted.

When the cheese fries ran out and Billy had licked the remnants of them from his hands, he flopped down on his side, braced on his elbow, and rested his head in his hand, flicking the end of his boa with the other. He looked like a model again, albeit a really weird one, which Barb felt should have been utterly impossible. After pancakes and ice-cream for brunch, and cheese fries and candy for lunch, Barb felt like a whale. Billy grinned up at her from where he was practically sprawled across her lap.

“You having fun, Red?”

“Yeah,” Barb said with a genuine, sweet smile. Then she pushed him off.

 

The game ended in a thrilling 2-1. Barb and Billy wound up at a picnic table outside the little field, people watching and being totally weird about it. Barb spied a mother with a wild toddler on a leash and pushing a squalling baby in a stroller and shot her sympathetic finger guns. She was a little offended that the mother didn’t seem to appreciate it. Billy eyeballed a couple walking past holding hands and, keeping his gaze on them, leaned in to whisper in Barb’s ear so that only she would hear, “I vant to suck your blood. Bleeeeh.” Barb snorted. The couple frowned at them both and hurried off. How rude.

Barb rested her chin on the table and watched a line of ants march along. “How do you think school’s going?” she asked.

“Awful. There was a fire. Our parents called the school and we’ve been caught out. King Harrington died horribly.”

Barb looked up at Billy. Billy grinned down at Barb.

“Wow, that’s so sad.”

“Right? They’ll probably serve hors d’oeuvres at his swanky funeral.”

Billy’s tone was dismissive, but there was an underlaying bite to it. Barb sure wasn’t Steve’s _biggest_ fan, but even she thought Billy was being a little mean. She wondered how they’d managed to get into it so soon after Billy moved to town but decided not to ask.

Suddenly Billy leapt out of his seat and took off. Barb watched him sprint away and leap into the air, catching a frisbee and taking off with it. The two men who had been tossing it back and forth called after him in annoyance but Billy just whooped back at them. He disappeared over the crest of a faux hill and the guys took off after him. Barb hopped up and looked around, hoping to spot Billy in his ridiculous boa.

In a flash he was back, grabbing Barb’s hand and yelling, “Run!”

Barb ran.

 

They only slowed down when Billy was sure that they had lost their pursuers.  They strolled along, Billy playing with his prize, spinning it between his fingers or showing off by throwing it into the air and catching it behind his back.

“All that for a dumb toy,” Barb mused.

Billy pouted back at her. “It means more if it takes some work to get! I’d like to see you snatch a frisbee outta the air.”

“You’ve got some issues, Billy.”

“Not even.”

“Even.”

Billy scoffed. “I just know how to get what I want.”

“Billy?”

“Yeah?”

“Did you steal all these lovely presents you got for me today?”

“Yeah.” Billy grinned. He seemed awfully proud of himself. He tossed the Frisbee up again and Barb snatched it out of the air and took off running. “Bitch!” Billy yelled, sprinting after her.

A tackle, a wrestling match, and a really gross lick across Barb’s forehead later, the two lay panting side by side on the ground.

“You’re the worst.”

“ _You’re_ the worst.”

“I hate you.”

“I hate _you_.”

“Gimme my Frisbee.”

“No.”

 

They found a different park several streets over and threw the frisbee for some dogs. The owners seemed happy to let them do it, exhausted with their pets’ energy.

Billy seemed to have boundless energy. Or maybe it was all the sugar they’d had.

Barb ended up lounging under a tree to catch her breath, her cheeks aching from grinning all day, watching Billy taunt dogs with the frisbee. He feinted right, left, and let the frisbee fly, but ended up getting tackled by a few dogs anyway.

“Help!” he cried in between giggles from the dogpile. “I’m dying! I’m dying!” His pleas dissolved into laughter, occasionally interspersed with cries of “No!” or “Ack!” or “Not in my mouth!”

Barb fell back on the grass, laughing, and ended up shrieking under her own dogpile.

 

They drove back to Hawkins at breakneck speed along the deserted highway, making fools of themselves singing along to truly terrible pop music.

 

It was dark by the time Billy pulled up next to Barb’s car where she had left it that morning. It seemed like that had been a million years ago, feeling frantic, feeling crushed, feeling hateful. Barb couldn’t remember the last time she had been so happy or felt so _good_. Billy turned off the car and turned to her, eyebrow raised in an expression that said, _Well, what did you think of **that**?_

Barb just smiled at him. A real, soft, nothing-behind-it-but-joy smile. “Thanks for taking me out, Billy.” she said.

“No problem, Red. I’m always up for a good time.” He waggled his eyebrows at her so she smacked him. Gently. He cackled. He had the most obnoxious laugh.

Barb made to get out of the car but Billy called her back. She leaned back in. Billy was unwinding the feather boa from his neck.

“Hang on to this for me, would you?” he said, holding it out to her. “My old man would probably have an aneurism if he caught me with it.” Barb nodded and took the boa. “Catch you later!” Billy said, all smiles.

Barb shut the door and Billy turned the Camaro back on with a roar and peeled out of the parking lot, arm thrust out of the window to wave goodbye. She watched his taillights fade into the distance before disappearing around a turn. She found herself smiling again.

As if in a trance, Barb turned around and slowly slid into her car. She put the boa in the passenger seat, the keys into the ignition, and then just sat there, hands on the wheel and staring out of the windshield at the deserted park, breathing.

What a day.

She drove home slowly, glancing down at the boa now and then. She wondered if she’d wake up in the morning and realize that the whole day had been a wild fever dream. In the quiet night of Hawkins, with all the businesses on Main Street closed, and all of the lights shut off, and all of the streets empty, nothing felt quite real.

Small towns were like that. Barb knew that cities were lit up all night long, but in Hawkins she might as well have been driving through a void, the world only visible under the cast of her headlights. Out in the woods, something howled.

When she got home, her parents were in the sitting room. Her mom was sewing up a torn seam in one of her dad’s shirts, and her dad was snoozing with the tv remote in his hand. At the sound of the door he cracked his eyes, mumbled something at her with a smile, and drifted off again. Her mom put down her sewing.

“Where have you been, pumpkin? It’s pretty late.”

“I was just out with some friends. I’m sorry it’s so late, I lost track of the time.”

“Well, that’s alright. It’s not a school night, after all. What have you got there?”

“Oh. Castoffs from the drama department. Miss. Lewis said I could have them.”

“That was nice of her. Are you hungry? I made meatloaf.”

“Sure. I’m just going to go put these away.”

Barb left, and soon heard her mom clattering around with pans as quietly as she could. There might have even been a muffled curse in there somewhere.

The bedroom furniture that her parents had bought when she was little came with a matching vanity, painted white, with the mirror perched between two carved posts that looked like little princess towers. Barb draped Billy’s blue feathers over one post and her green sequins over the other and stared at her reflection between them.

She looked just the same as she had that morning. The same pasty skin marred with a thousand freckles. The same orange hair that wouldn’t match anything. The same dull brown eyes. Same old Barb. But, something had changed. Barb couldn’t spot it, but she knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Season 3 aired. There were things I liked and things I didn't. Things I called and things I didn't. And that's all I'll say about _that_. Robin's a lesbian and it makes my heart sing. I'd briefly considered pairing her with Barb but made an OC instead who I now love too much to get rid of. Which, of course, means that I get to make a new girlfriend for Robin. All the lesbians. All of them. Yay. Everybody deserves to be happy, damnit!
> 
> In other season 3 related ranting, some plot elements were similar to things I had planned for my fic, although I wasn't thinking of The Thing when I plotted them, but a whole different movie. *sighs forever* I'll have to decide if I want to stick to what I already had, or make changes. It wasn't the most original idea ever in the history of ideas, but I'm still a smidge disappointed. Oh, well.
> 
> The next chapter might be the last from Barb's pov for a while, or the one after that. We'll get a little bit from Billy, and then it'll be a free for all!


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